I really sense at times that God is using this space on the Net to speak specific things to certain people. This time it was something about womanly confidence, and so I began writing and researching all about it.
I wasn’t satisfied with my research.
It was all looking so typical, and I couldn’t find anything that “fit” the message that was stirring in my heart (actually I did, but I had missed its significance).
So I wrote two different scripts, or posts, on the subject, each from different perspectives. Even while writing I was hampered, via interruption and even a touch of illness, and I knew something just wasn’t right.
Then, one morning, while listening to Graham Cooke, the core of this message finally came to me.
To explain, I began this episode with the idea of raising confident, capable women, but I didn’t realize the real message would be about women becoming ladies.
This can be greatly misunderstood in our age. Somehow our culture associates lady-likeness with snootiness and “Karen”-like judgement. The impression is that “ladies” are hypocritical pretenders who seethe with insecurity.
But this is not what is meant by this title, and this is not what I want to emphasize. While it would so easy to write out a trite list of desired behaviors and practices all true ladies should follow and say I’d done my job, I could not feel good about it.
What is needed is to go deeply into the CORE of what a lady, in the true sense, actually is.
We can catch glimpses of this in some of the contemporary definitions:
From Britannica:
–A woman who behaves in a polite way.
–A woman of high social position.
–A woman who is a member of the nobility.
From other online sources:
–The mistress of a household.
–A woman who has the rights, rule, or authority of a lord.
–A woman of high social position.
–A woman who is polite, refined, and well-mannered.
–A woman who is refined, polite, and well-spoken.
–A woman who has proprietary rights or authority, as over a manor.
–A woman who is the object of chivalrous devotion.
(In case you were wondering, I looked up the etymology of the word:
c. 1200, lafdi, lavede, from Old English hlæfdige (Northumbrian hlafdia, Mercian hlafdie), “mistress of a household, wife of a lord,” apparently literally “one who kneads bread,” from hlaf “bread” (see loaf (n.)) + -dige “maid,” which is related to dæge “maker of dough” (which is the first element in dairy; see dey (n.1)).
I believe we need to take this concept of being a “lady” quite seriously because the entire world seems to be so confused about the subject of gender and gender roles. Somehow, we have lost our way, so going back to this basic concept will help us get back on the road of sanity.
Of course, there are pretenders everywhere.
- Not every biological woman is a lady.
- Not every homemaker who refuses to wear jeans is a lady.
- It’s not about acting “feminine,” although many ladies are quite feminine-acting.
- It’s not about asserting the “goddess within” and demanding the world must bow to the superiority of one’s female nature (no “boss babes” need apply), although a true lady is no pushover and must be able to lead.
- It’s not about feeling superior.
As Proverbs 11:22 tells us:
Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout
is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion.
At the bare minimum, a lady must be:
#1. A woman, as God created them, “male and female” (common sense must reign here).
#2. Of noble rank.
Now, I know it seems as though the idea of being of noble rank no longer applies, but I think it does. Let me explain.
If we are truly born-again, then we have been re-created and are no longer part of the systems of this world, with their different levels and ranks. We have a heavenly rank, as members of the royal family of heaven.
For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves,
Colossians 1:13
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.
1 Peter 2:9
We operate outposts of the Kingdom of Heaven wherever we find ourselves. In this sense, as we are actually princesses, and as thus we rightfully hold the rank of “lady” as our given position.
#3. A lady is self-forgetful. One of the best definitions of a “lady” (which I could not find with a search) is “a woman who makes those around her feel comfortable.”
This is actually a Christian, Jesus sort of idea. The Golden Rule is explicit here:
Do to others as you would have them do to you.
Luke 6:31
The Golden Rule is not a passive statement, as some have interpreted it to be. It is not “Don’t do to others what you wouldn’t want them to do to you.” A lady is not neatly wrapped up in a corner so she doesn’t bother anyone.
A lady is active. She has her senses out looking for ways to bless others (and she knows when to get out of the way).
#4. A lady is velvet steel. She is soft and pliable, yielding when it is needed. And yet, she is unyielding when defending the poor and the vulnerable. She also stand for the right and the moral.
#5. A lady is confident. This is a concept also much misunderstood. We mostly assume a person who is pompous and pretentious is confident, but most often such strutting and posturing reveals insecurity.
The truest sign of confidence is being comfortable.
Consider this illustration:
Jill Average, who rents one half of a duplex in Some City, Iowa, wins a first-class plane ticket to New York City. She has only ever flown Coach, and the entire experience leaves her feeling unsure of how to act. She is certain the staff and other passengers can tell She drives an old Ford Focus and normally wears T-shirts and jeans from Wally Market. She says “Thank you,” and “Excuse me,” way too often and too loudly, and her self-consciousness makes her more clumsy than usual. She makes everyone around her feel uneasy.
The passenger in the next seat, Francine Rich, is the opposite. She is a buyer for a boutique on her fifth trip to New York this month. She is not impressed, just tired. She knows what to expect and only wants to put her foot rest up, dim the lights, and play white noise in her ear buds as she enjoys a few hours’ nap.
However, she can’t help but feel for Jill. Francine smiles at her and gives her some pointers. She shares some inside information and pays her a few compliments.
Francine’s kindness settles Jill. Jill watches Francine and imitates her actions and reactions. Before long, Jill is relaxing and enjoying the better parts of her trip. Because Francine is secure and comfortable, she can help Joe feel the same.
This illustrates an important point:
A true lady, one who makes others feel comfortable, MUST be comfortable herself.
In order to gain this comfortableness in any and every situation:
- She must know who she is as a daughter of the Most High, and heir to the promises of God (as we have before proved).
- She must know how things operate, both in the natural and from an eternal perspective.
Whether or not she has earthly riches, she operates with the currency of Heaven, which is made from the wealth of God’s promises, such as Romans 8:28 and Psalm 23, among many, many more.
With all this in mind, she is also about the beauty of goodness, in all of its forms, whether in a spiritual sense or in an aesthetic sense. While elegance and decorum are not the core of lady-likeness, being a lady will cause one to desire to become elegant and softened to the sweeter, kinder things in life.
It should be natural that she desires to walk, talk and move differently. Her countenance, the way she presents herself, and her surroundings will reflect the inner beauty and comforts that lives inside her.
This is the kind of daughters we want to raise. This is the kind of women the world needs.
How do we go about it?
#1. We model it. We become a lady inside and out. We sit at Jesus’ feet like Martha’s sister Mary. We soak in the sweet spices of His presence like Queen Esther. We bolster the men of battle with words from God like Debra. We nurture righteousness within like Mary. We leave our old lives and become loyal to the death like Ruth. We trust God to take care of us even when we surrender to our husbands like Sarah. We run a tent peg through evil like Jael (Judges 4:21).
We may have hard days, and challenges, but we don’t give in to our sinful ways of coping. We become the women we want our daughters to grow up to be, and as we are growing into all of this, we grab our daughters up and take them along.
#2. We direct the curriculum, but subtly. We don’t want to create “laws” for ladies. Laws tend to bring death.
We can, however, cast a vision.
This is done via multiple avenues; movies, stories, other media, and persons brought before them who are worthy to be admired or imitated. Our enthusiasm for these things, without being insistent, will have its affect. Without realizing it, as they grow they will become their “default.”
As we become confident, we will lend them our confidence.
I know this vision is challenging, but I hope it is not burdensome. It does take some purposefulness, but it is mostly about resting and obeying. In that sense, God must be Architect and Builder, which puts us in a sweet spot right next to His heart.
If you would like to listen to my podcast on this subject, please click below:
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