Balancing Love and Discipline: A Biblical View of Parenting

Good parenting is a matter of balancing love and discipline.

We live in a therapeutic society. This is because we have adopted the ideals of humanism, not Christianity, as the foundation of our culture.

Humanism summed up says,”It’s all about ME.” In other words, the “self” is the sum of all things, the center and source for all determination, including what is moral and immoral. This means we have supplanted God with “Self.” We worship at self’s altar. Even in our churches we hear the catch phrases and mantras of this quasi-pagan religion (which is why it is not surprising that many are making the small step from Christianity into satanism, as satanists claim they do not worship the devil, just the self).

So people spend a lot of time thinking about themselves. They worry about themselves. They take time to find themselves. They spend good money going to therapists who can help them in their pursuit of their “best” selves.

And when people find themselves in the presence of a therapist, they are encouraged to find the root of their angst and destructive behaviors. One of the best, easiest places to find the roots of their discomforts is in the performance of their parents.

We’ve all felt the pressure to do this. Anything from nail biting to mass murder can be traced (often by artful twists and turns) back to something a parent did or did not do.

One hopeless alcoholic was analyzed and told, after 30 years of drinking, that it was all because his mama did not have any photos of him as a baby. So he proceeded to his poor mother’s house (who was then in her late 70’s) and let her know the reason her dear son was slowly killing himself was due to her inability to afford a camera and film when he was little (no matter that she was lovingly spending her time feeding and clothing him instead).

The result? A bunch of paranoid parents so afraid of making a mistake with their children they are paralyzed and next to useless.

LET’S GET REAL!

No parent ever will do everything correctly.

There has only been one perfect parent, and even His kids made bad choices.

When we see someone in a destructive lifestyle, or the perpetrator of crime against others, we should be wondering where they turned from God, not searching out for the place where their self-esteem was injured.

Parents are not a government program. Our role is not to dole out pleasures and give constant affirmations. Taking care of children is not a matter of competing therapies.

Done in the right way, the Biblical way, parenting is a duty. It is a job to keep a little human alive while attempting to train his habits and steer him towards the higher things in this life leading to the life beyond the grave.

These children are not our bosses (even though they might think they are). We don’t answer to toddlers or teens; we answer to God.

Our focus should not be on keeping the children happy, whatever the cost. It should be on doing the right thing in the moment and allowing God to take care of the outcomes.

This allows us a certain detachment. One of the worst, most dangerous, tumultuous ways to parent is to get caught up in trying to become your child’s BFF. Doing things with this goal in mind leads to nervous parents and insecure children.

Yes, parents must love, but love means many different things. At times it means positive, affectionate gentleness. But other times it means saying and doing things that are unpleasant and will probably be misunderstood.

Faithful are the wounds of a friend,
But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.
Proverbs 27:6

From this other side of parenting (after 41 years of rearing 15 children) things become clearer than every.

In a million moments of mothering I can say most were loving and sweet, but many, many were speaking harsh truths and laying down boundaries with consequences. Often time, energy, and material goods were limited. I’m certain not everyone’s ego was being sufficiently stroked.

In the moment, considering all the surrounding circumstances and personalities, my words and actions were right and just (or sometimes simply the best I could muster).

As the children have grown up, some understood, others did not. The reasons for this look complicated from the outside, but when examined more closely they come down to the same cause:

For all that is in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—is not of the Father but is of the world.
1 John 2:16

It’s the story begun in the garden, with God’s own children, Adam and Eve.

While parenting is one of the most satisfying roles in the world, it can also sometimes resemble a war.

Soldiers at actual war, in the heat of battle, undergo stress that surpasses human capacity. In the midst of this great stress they must make quick decisions with limited information that must meet the conditions of the situation.

But when the battle is over, when the war is past, they return home and the civilians they live with do not realize the pressures of battle. Without personal experience, they don’t have an appreciation for the sacrifices that were made. Many times the decisions and actions of those who were in extreme situations come under scrutiny.

But it is not just to judge parents who have fought hard and long for their children any more than it is fair to judge soldiers who risked their lives under great duress.

Of course, we’re not speaking here about excusing evil or “remote-control” parenting. We are addressing there those people who obviously care and are taking an active interest in the welfare or their offspring.

Parenting this way keeps us from stroking our own egos. Instead of trying to fulfill our own needs for emotional and physical security in this life, we are striving for the accolades of our Heavenly Father as we enter into heaven: